tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24134170471642067322024-02-20T19:37:16.726+00:00It's good to be me.............Little insights into the life of Roger Gardiner..'husband of a lovely wife..father to 5 daughters..papa to 5 grandaughters'Rogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-54928609326436016782013-10-01T17:37:00.000+01:002013-10-01T17:37:16.877+01:00Further fun at 'The Bay'Oh dear, it was so funny last night that I was rofling on the floor for about 2 minutes after the 'exercises' we had just before 2am. I will explain below in case, dear reader, you wish to partake..<br />
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Mike the Marine comes in and says we are going to play a game with Jenny Tallia and some electrodes. Funny chap he is, we don't have any women here so goodness knows who Jenny Tallia is, maybe the camp's cook.<br />
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So we all line up and he calls me out on the pretence that I have 'secrets' to share and he wants to show the other lads how he gets it from me. A sort of 'whodunit' game in which he said there are no winners...I think he's a bit gay so I have to watch my back with this jerk.<br />
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Mike the Marine.....'Right fatty (that really hurt, I've been on a diet since I got here and he calls me 'fatty') 'What information are you going to give me about troop movements from Al Jazeerah? Here's another guy I don't know, who is Al?<br />
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Me..........................Well, when I was about ten Mikey I played soldiers and moved my troops all over the place, super fun. Did you play with soldiers as a kid?<br />
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Mike the Marine then calls me over (he didn't call me fatty this time cos he knows I'm mentally tougher than he is) also I flashed my CTR ring in his coupon.<br />
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Well, I never did! He made me stand in a bucket of water naked and he attaches these wires to the utter extremities with Duck Tape, I attempt to flash my CTR ring at him again but it fails. He bawls and shouts and asks questions which I refuse to answer (all part of the game you see) he gets all het up and shouts in my ear (I'm gonna throw that damn switch!!) I calmly replied 'Throw it where you want dearie but remember it's my turn next)<br />
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I can't remember anything after that for 3 hours. I was told that the electric shock would have killed a lesser mortal but I pulled through okay.<br />
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Time for more water.<br />
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Bye mae loovesRogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-61968682053672553282013-09-30T15:13:00.000+01:002013-09-30T15:13:00.837+01:00Holidays in Guantomano Bay 2011 - 2013Hello mae looves<br />
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Just back from my holidays in Cuba (GB to be precise to the holiday tourists there)<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.1875px;"> It is the largest harbour on the south side of the island and it is surrounded by steep hills which create an enclave that is cut off from its immediate </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hinterland" style="background-color: white; background-image: none; color: #0b0080; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.1875px; text-decoration: none;" title="Hinterland">hinterland</a><span style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 19.1875px;">, this makes for very exciting games such as 'who can get out the quickest and in one piece' The Americans love dressing up as soldiers and playing games on us. Below I'll list a few:-</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 19.1875px;">Blind Man's Buff...I loved this one, we all walk round naked with pretend handcuffs on and have to walk like a Flamingo, you know, like the birds with knees that bend a different way. If any of the holidaymakers aren't able to do it the Yanks assist with readjusting the kneecap so that we all walk alike. Super way to get to know each other. In case we get lost we have been given bright orange overalls so they can 'assist' with getting back to the chalet.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 19.1875px;">Waterboarding....Extremely amusing game that we all enjoy playing. We lie down on a board and the yanks tuck us in a 'comfy jacket' then place a blanket over our head and face. This is to protect us in case some cad throws water over our face and pretends to drown us. But again mine hosts save the day and lift us up just in time for another gallon of water for tea. Oh, forget to mention that to finish off the day of fun and jollity we have water biscuits and coffee without milk, sugar or coffee.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 19.1875px;">More tomorrow cos we have a Musical Evening listening to a band called 'White Noise'</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 19.1875px;">Bye Mae Looves</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 19.1875px;"><br /></span></span>Rogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-85258267030181509342012-05-14T20:32:00.002+01:002012-05-14T20:32:26.356+01:00The Orange Walk (well, one of them)Perambulating in an easterly direction on the north footpath of Shettleston Rd, Glasgow, what do I hear? Yes, the start of the band season in the form of moving muppets with rubber legs trying to keep tune with the 'music'<br />
Good stuff though I must admit, although I couldn't imagine it stirring the hearts of thousands to go to war for King and Country, even less to go the 'workplace' That's an Old English name for 'hell'<br />
I love the individuals who pass themselves off as 'wimmin' with the weans following the circus at a leisurely stroll I love the bellowing out at the 'musicians' which we call 'verbal intercourse' in other words 'talking'<br />
'Haw youse, JIMMY!! Youse wi'the big drum...gies a light for ma fag son'<br />
'Naw hen, ah'm, too bizzy bangin' the skins ya wee bampot'<br />
'Well throw your f-----g lighter then................NOW!!!!!!!!!<br />
Senga eventually got her fag lit from a flying fist from 'Wee Alfie' the flute player.<br />
I remember it used to be prams with the kids esconced therein that followed the band, nowadays it's more upmarket with Asda trolleys. Life is so much easier for them, just dump the kids and then the trollies, or dump the kids and keep the trollies for next year's batch.<br />
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Bye Mae Looves<br />
<br />Rogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-34273828637230849222012-05-14T15:09:00.000+01:002012-05-14T15:09:15.172+01:00Marks and SpencerAmbling along in aisle three with a punnet of raspberries I approach the checkout. The cashier enquires:-<br />
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'Bag for life sir?'<br />
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'Er, no, I'm already married, thanks for the offer though'<br />
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Bye Mae LoovesRogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-43784936598800447742012-05-12T14:36:00.000+01:002012-05-12T14:36:33.568+01:00Talk Sport....as on radioDriving east on the M8 motorway and disposed to listen to innate chat on the above named dork sponsored channel 'Talk Sport' The following linguistic artistry is atypical of the highly paid 'presenters'<br />
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Keyes..Hi Andy..hahahahahahahahahaha<br />
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Andy....Hey..hahahahahaha<br />
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Keyes..well, talk about that football game what?? hahahahahahahahahaha<br />
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Andy..Aye....hahahahahahaha<br />
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Keyes..hahahahahahahaha<br />
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Andy..hahahahaha<br />
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Keyes..We have in the studio Harry Redknapp..hahahahahaha...welcome Harry..hahahahaha<br />
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Harry..hahahahaha<br />
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Andy..hahahahaha<br />
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Keyes..hahahahaha<br />
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Andy..hahahahaha<br />
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Harry..hahahahahaRogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-35547123272343658942010-06-25T22:53:00.002+01:002010-06-25T23:06:47.779+01:00Stobhill Hospital......GlasgowImagine, gentle reader, waiting to be taken in for a scan in the plush 'new bit' of Stobhill. One is 45 minutes early and a weak extended bladder provides for a spot of quick nifty foot work perambulating through the corridors of time. . This is not to say one has a liking for a hike through a '19th century hospital providing 21st century medicine' Nope. One just needs a loo.<div><br /></div><div>I find one just by the Geriatric unit. The previous occupant is still engaged in exercising his haunches in the most interesting way, a bit like a stray dog when it wipes it's butt on one's lawn. Scooting all over the shop like a wounded swimmer using it's rear end as a rudder, and gaily paddling away with it's front paws.</div><div><br /></div><div>Well, no more thoughts of me using a loo at S'hill. I'll take the dog with me next time and blame him</div><div><br /></div><div>Bye mae looves...............</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /><div><br /></div></div>Rogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-469568180883264682010-06-22T15:11:00.002+01:002010-06-22T15:22:34.386+01:00The radio commentator...........Driving home from Muirhead to Lenzie I exposed my hammer and anvil to the World Cup football on the radio. Not a thing I do often but I'd thought I'd give it a shot. The commentator seemed to be an intelligent chap until he said this...<div><br /></div><div>"One team is in white shorts and blue tops with red socks, and the others are wearing green shorts with yellow tops and yellow socks"</div><div><br /></div><div>Radio in living colour...only in Scotland yer beauty.</div><div><br /></div><div>True dat...</div>Rogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-30074552977275098642010-06-22T09:29:00.003+01:002013-10-01T17:39:33.653+01:00The Village Chief<b></b><b>Somewhere in the Comoros, north of Madagascar</b><br />
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The Village Chief, a bit of a dandy by nature, is known as a disciplinarian in his tribe, and has taken upon himself the title 'Eyeball Johnny' With this title comes great powers of insight into the menial lives of members of his tribe. For example, EJ calls the village idiots (whoops, elders) into a council meeting in the 'Long Room' to discuss the sin of' 'illicit smoke signalling' going on.</div>
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EJ..'Dat woemann Danny-ell is signalling heap bad medicine in der smoke signalling. Da signals use bad words. Not good for me being chief. Must stop, not only dat but der smoke gets into der lungs of me and cause much coffin' Come forth the der 'Inkwisiter'</div>
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Note:-'Inkwisiter' is one of EJ's right hand men and does his bidding without question.</div>
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IW..'Wot want boss?'</div>
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EJ...'Mountainous problem, you fix. Now! Speak to her through Der Pappy, him stupid and do bidding. No more smoke signals which upset me....der Chief!'</div>
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IW to Der Pappy '....you understand Der Pappy? You go fix and me report to EJ'</div>
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Der Pappy brings word to Robikamball..(der love of Danny-Ell) and explains the chief's rumbling tum in delicate manner. Heap bad hormones cause Danny-Ell to go apecack and pour water on all de dry grass she had been storing for der smoky signals. She speaks bad words and in dubble detentions causing der titterings in de camp of Robikamball. Heap big laughy faces. All is fixed but not with village archmummy called ' Gingyfriesrice' she blistering mad and goes der mental for one whole sundown. Signs not good when she brushes the dirt floor at one wolf howl past bat's twitter.</div>
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Der Eyeball Johnny is not happy. All is quiet with no smoky signalling on his watch. Feels there is something in his foot and mumbles to his left hand man 'The White Man' .......</div>
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'Not happy TWM...find out why no smokies and bring me word...I see der big clouds on der horizon........'</div>
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Rogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-18869534839931438512009-09-05T19:32:00.004+01:002009-09-05T19:49:13.489+01:00Thaings that go bump in the nightNow, I don't frighten easily, it's a Reddick (mum) trait. Been in hairy situations and didn't bat an eyelid, so why when the family decide to leave me in the house to sleep two nights on my own do I do the following........<br /><div><br /></div><div>1...Check all the downstairs windows...twice</div><div>2...Make sure all the doors are locked</div><div>3...Check again the above accroutements</div><div>4...Make sure all the plugs have been disconnected from the sockets (just in case)</div><div>5...Double lock the front door</div><div>6...Put on the house alarm</div><div>7...Check that I've put on the house alarm 2 mins later</div><div>8...Close all upstairs windows and doors</div><div>9...Leave a bedroom light on at the top of the stairs</div><div>10.Leave bathroom light on</div><div>11..Leave my bedroom door open</div><div>12..Leave bedroom lamp on</div><div>13..Put fan on to drown out any noise made by intruders</div><div>14..Leave house and mobile phones near the bed just in case</div><div>15..Pray that I might not die in the night</div><div>16..Creep into bed with sheet just below the eyes</div><div>17..........................Hear cat miaowing cos I haven't fed him</div><div>18..Look out window and see the stupid thing grinning at me</div><div>19..'Note to self'.....kill the cat in the morning</div><div>20..Back to bed to listen to 'Tales from the Crypt' on my iPod</div><div>21..'Note to self'....don't listen to 'Tales from the Crypt' when on own</div><div>22..Have a runny bottom</div><div><br /></div>Rogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-90682773505090343632009-05-15T20:37:00.003+01:002009-05-15T22:04:28.888+01:00The LDS BlobAlway's one to try and see the 'beauty' in people imagine my alarm at church last week.<br /><br />To put you in the picture I have always imagined (against my wildest dreams) the 'perfect' LDS gal. This is a throwback to my teen years when the missionaries used to pull out their wallets with photo's of a string of female LDS groupies. All '<em>Americana'</em> I hasten to add. You know the type, tan, teeth, long eyelashes etc etc. So I imagined all LDS female peeps would be like that.<br /><br />Enter 'Jabba the Hut' aka 24601 at the back of church during Sacrament (I should say 'Egress') No shoes on, no tights or socks, hairy legs and a car tyre which had been cut into 2 six inch lengths which doubled up as sandals (but to be fair about the hairy legs,I think she must have broken a Gillette MK 3 on a very tricky upward motion. I think she should try 'T Cut' in future, think on that, bald legs and a beautiful shine to boot) This, I hasten to add is what's known as 'Sunday Best' Oh, I forgot to mention, she had in tow a child, aka 'Eponine'<br /><br />bye mae looves<br /><br /><br /><br />I think Brother Brigham would have had a word to say about thisRogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-80803452671851391632009-05-02T21:58:00.002+01:002009-05-02T22:21:53.181+01:00A quiet game at the Tribe of ZahraThere is a game called 'BUZZ' which involves 4 players with a handset 'with a red button that you buzz if you think you know the answer to the question. It's formatted like a quiz show on telly and is competetive. A quiz master prances across the floor and some cartoon dame ponces around the answer board.<br />Lee, Becky and I were having a game and tried to get Captain Zippy to have a game. "I hate those games," she announced to all and sundry in manner which would have benefitted a drama involving Custer's Last Stand<br />Good. More fun for us then. Now to enjoy this game you must be able to hear the music which forms part of the question. Due to the fact the kiddies are in bed the sound is a little lower than normal, but with a well trained lug you should be ok.<br />So on comes the questions and we enjoy a couple of sparring rounds.This involves a keen ear and concentration at all times.<br /><br />Quizmaster..How many members were in the Beatles? (silly question but it is only an example)<br /><strong>FOUR!!! </strong>shouted Foghorn Leghorn<br /><br />This went on with other interruptions which eventually caused the game to be cancelled due to <em>'Pain stopped Play'</em>Rogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-49308930512123590402009-05-01T13:36:00.002+01:002009-05-01T13:58:55.274+01:00Leo...0620..Looking forward to a really quiet day today..sun is shining and I can't wait to get out into the garden to finish off the lawns and tidy up the whole garden. Then finish off a John Grisham book.<br /><br />0857...Read my stars today, an unusual thing for me but listen to this:-" You are an extremely popular person and have many friends. You seem to have an 'animal magnetism' with the ladies and should strike lucky today"<br /><br />1313... Five grandaughters and three daughters have come up to see me.<br /><br />1340.....note to self, kill Russel Grant<br /><br />1351...Observe with despair that my entire 'Smart Price' collection of rice, custard, new potatoes and figs have been annexed for the 'common cause' ie Gardiner's Gullets<br /><br />1353..."I, Roger Gardiner, being of a sound mind........."Rogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-48586810602778711402009-04-30T13:50:00.002+01:002009-04-30T14:05:21.328+01:00Now you see it..............Popped into Claire Dannel's joint on the way back from ASDA to have a piece of toast. I had done some shopping and put it into the boot of the car, locked and all accounted for, to the last piece.<br /><br />Upon leaving said daughter's hoose imagine my utter amazement to find that certain items of merchandise were missing, gone, AWOL, flew away, appropriated. This could not be, said he. It was locked when I left it, and locked when I went out to it again.<br /><br />I spoke to Claire regarding my alarm but she put all things to rights. She explained about the 'Robin Hood Fairy' who takes from the rich and gives to the poor, not everything from the rich but nearly everything. It dawned on me that she had to be right. Not wanting to upset the lah lahs of the fairy kingdom I went back to ASDA and replenished the boot.<br /><br />Note to self..remember that there are more Robin Hood Fairies at Becky's house than Claires. <br /><br />Then I just went home and had a Slim Fast bananeeee flavour. I heard there was a new product called 'Slim Faster ya Bass' and comes with a wee letter from brother Pol Pot 'encouraging' customers.<br /><br />bye mae loovesRogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-21414079336795742712009-04-30T08:35:00.002+01:002009-04-30T08:55:07.718+01:00ASDA's very own Miss WhiplashI lived through the 'Swingin' Sixties' and still remember the fashions of the day. But one I remember most was the false eyelashes. Even the women wore them. There seems to be a growing trend now for more women to be buying and using them.<br /><br />I was in ASDA last week and I spied, an ASDA employee, female abt 19, wearing a pair of the longest false eyelashes I have ever seen. And she smells like a walking can of 'Cherry Blossom' They are that heavy her back arches back the way causing her to walk 'dead gallous' like one of those fools from hell in the World Wrestling Federation. They walk down the ramp swinging their huge frames from side to side. And if you've ever watched it have you wondered why they always shout?<br /><br />I digress, so here's '<em>Miss Whiplash'</em> strutting her stuff in the deep freeze area. Moving closer I can see white blotches on the lashes. This is glue of course (obviously a new fashion)<br /><br />Enter a young fellah who has a face that seems to have been slashed several times in a vertical manner. He engages the lovely Miss Whiplash in lighthearted banter and then she kisses him goodbye. That's sweet, obviously <em>'in a relationship'</em><br /><br />Awwwwwwwwww<br /><br />I notice his face is bleeding now from the early stages of 'The Death by a Thousand Cuts'<br /><br />I mean, where do you put the 2" long eyelashes when you're kissing your man?<br /><br />Bye mae loovesRogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-2482960257768188542009-04-30T08:06:00.003+01:002009-04-30T08:34:39.559+01:00Adjel, the wannabe executionerImagine this. Rogeeee has low back pain. Hot baths..no good. Heated bean bag..no good. Pack of frozen peas..no good. Aileen Roy rides to the possible rescue with the 'Boots Brand' battery operated, all singing, all dancing ,using smoke and mirrors, electrical ray gun with sticky pads like flies feet.<br />'Place the pads on the affected parts and 'lightly' raise the electrical output until comfortable, and feel the pains slip away and dissolve'<br /><br /><strong>Cack.</strong><br /><br />Enter from stage left the <em>'Silent Amp'</em> aka Adjel who, of late, is somewhat more than keen to disable me using any source whatsoever.<br />"I'll do it for you Dad, come here, I've seen this on television" (note to self, I remember the last thing she watched was a documentary on illegal Spanish abattoirs)<br />So, the patches were placed in the strategic places and a light current employed.<br />"Can you feel anything yet?"<br />"Not yet mae looves, what number do you have it on?"<br />"Number one"<br />"Put it a little higher then"<br />"Ok"<br />$%^&*(^%$£"£$%^&*()(*&^%$£$%^&*(*&^%$£$%^&*(*&^%"£$%^&*()(*&^$$^(*)*&%$"£^()&^%$£$%^*&^%$^&*(*&^%^&*(%$£"""£%&()(*&^^**(^%$£67()(^<br /><br />Have you ever seen a demented caterpillar writhing in a spider's nest? Whizzing around all over the shop? That was me having gone from a healthy number one to a crippling fifteen. So a quick self examination in a mirror revealed four perfect disc like marks in the small of my back, glowing like a bird's eye view of an active Mt St Helens.<br /><br />I am now sniffing Diet Coke and going back to the drawing board<br /><br />Bye mae looves<br /><br />'Rogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-4508587103768450122009-04-26T10:05:00.006+01:002009-04-26T13:46:54.908+01:00The Cumbernauld Dandy....AKA.. LeeAnyone who knows me has come to accept the fact that I am not an afficionado in the fashion stakes. I like 'comfortable' wear, the stuff that one could wear to the Local Authority dump (we have a very nice one. I must take Linda there one day on a picnic) and not feel out of place in Sauchiehall Street on a Saturday afternoon.<br />However, I do have a keen eye on 'The Gentlemen's Market' where up and coming fashions are paraded before all and sundry looking for keen approval.<br />Well, Lee Zahra is one of them and is a 'Dandy' to watch out for in upmarket mags such as Dyno-Rod Daily, GQ, Frying Fats (weekly), Old Moore's Almanac, Mouse Breeders (monthly), Massey Ferguson Tractor Parts (bi monthly) and many more cutting edge mags.<br />Consider the ensemble and catwalk as a radio/TV wag would announce it.<br />Introducer.."And we're here in Lenzie today with all the big names in the modelling circus. We have secured, at a very high cost, the bit between the living room and the foyer (hall) of one Captain Zippy. Our team are here waiting for the big moment when Lee Zahra (modelling name 'Benny the Bolt')is going to make an appearance. One of the panel will be speaking to him soon. Ah, here he comes now, over to you Senga"<br /><br />Senga..Thankyou. I'm trying to to squeeze through this vast thong to get to Benny..................made it. Benny! Benny?...a word please? Ah super, he can give us a few moments.<br />Benny...'Ello dahlin'<br />Senga.'Er quite. Benny, you have rocketed to the absolute periphery of the fashion underworld. Why do you think this has happened so quickly?'<br />Benny.'I'd like to thank my sponsor 'oo rearly suppawts me'<br />Senga...'Who is your sponsor?'<br />Benny.'Harry and Henry <strong>THE</strong> Haddock and Herring Wholesale Hontroponores'<br />Senga...'And are they here tonight?'<br />Benny.'No'<br />Senga...'So what the hell is that smell?'<br />Benny.'Well, I'm keeping my fish supper warm'<br />Senga...'Where?...Oh, I see'<br /><br />Announcer....'And this is the moment you have been waiting for..please give a very well deserved lacklustre welcome to.......BENNY!!!!'<br /><br />Addie...'Benny is strutting his stuff hovering between the living room and the hall. He turns half heel to show us what a desperate eye for fashion he has. This 'outfit' was actually collected by Benny from some of the biggest clearing houses in the West of Scotland..Salvation Army; British Heart Foundation; PDSA; Canine Defence League; Be Kind To Worms and The Arches (Glasgow Division)<br />I'll take time to describe what he is wearing. Very exciting, I think it will be in all of the Paris cathouses within a week...but I digress.<br />This collection is called 'I didn't know what to wear this mawning, so I thought I'd be smart <strong>and</strong> casual'<br />He has a grey pullover (Sally Ann) beautiful crushed shirt (Bottom Drawer) smart jeans (Clothes Line) The effect is stunning! The shirt out of the the back of the trousers but tucked in front can only mean one thing...bordering on the imperfect. A cheeky dig at the world of haute couture.<br />One more thing to mention is the fashionable accoutrement of having tissue (toilet) paper coming down from under the hem of the troos. Nice, very nice touch.<br /><br />Please keep a watch at this page to see how Benny gets on introducing 'Royston's Next Top Model'<br /><br />Bye Mae LoovesRogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-35861878160544489242009-04-26T09:47:00.003+01:002009-04-26T12:11:02.574+01:00My friend the Goblin..........Just think that all throughout our house there are goblins. Good ones of course. I mean they always do helpful things when your back is turned, and when you least expect it. My family have one and his name is ????? You can guess later. Consider the following examples in a sort of typical day:-<br /><br />1...Family puts the washing in the wash bag.<br /><br />As if by magic the washing is done, hung out, brought in, dried off as necessary, and even sometimes put on the beds.<br /><br />2...Family puts the dirty cutlery plates, knives and forks etc in the sink, along with cheese ridden pot bottoms. You can guess the rest.<br /><br />Lo and behold, without anyone's knowledge, they're put in the dish washer, cleaned, taken out, put away until needed again. Which is a couple of minutes later.<br /><br />3...The Goblin is also naughty sometimes. Adjel's room is ALWAYS tidy and clean. I know because she tells me it is; and just before I go to check.......he has sneaked under the door and conjured up a rendition of Hurricane Katrina.<br /><br />4...When he is having a good day he also mows the lawn, cleans the house, buys in food, cooks etc etc. I like having the little guy in the house. He makes everbodys life so much easier.<br /><br />Names on a postcard please.<br /><br />Bye mae loovesRogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-23738888083337708742009-04-22T20:06:00.002+01:002009-04-22T20:27:54.265+01:00Pyjama party in ASDAThere is a growing trend in Glasgow for women who obviously imagine there is a competion called' Royston's Next Top Model'<br />Rules are simple enough:-<br /><br />1...You must wear PJ bottoms the would befit an oaf of the first order but look the part in the hills of Afghanistan<br /><br />2...You must be spray tanned with horse urine to just set the colour right. No other urine will do.<br /><br />3...You must be brave enough to come out and 'shop' when it's raining and cold.<br /><br />4...Always bite your fingernails in view of the non interested public.<br /><br />5...Always have an excruciated worried look on your face.<br /><br />6...Always walk with arms folded<br /><br />7...ALWAYS get in the queue for the cashline and ponce around pretending you have money in there that you have actually earned<br /><br />8...Always have a fag on the go. Not a dog end, too lasse-faire, an extra long one. Preferably one you've rolled yourself with Old Holborn, Golden Virginia or Hearts of Oak<br /><br />Do all these things and your card is marked for onwards and upwards. Oh, and one last thing, go about with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.<br /><br />The prizes for the next Top Model are top of the range<br /><br />1...Getting to wear Liedenhosen at Larkhall's 'Das Kar Boot Sale'<br /><br />2...Promise of a centerfold photo shoot with 'Farmer's Weekly'<br /><br />3...Handing out free lemonade in George Square on Hogmanay<br /><br />4...Pin up girl at 'The Barra's' and finally.<br /><br />5...Free colouring in book (crayons not included)<br /><br />So many contenders<br /><br />Bye mae loovesRogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-33305756679600804552009-04-22T19:44:00.002+01:002009-04-22T20:06:22.448+01:00The real reason why the Titanic sunkLeaving the elderly lady I made my way to 'Weight Watchers'<br />I have been a regular attendee for about a year to closely observe folk. Losing weight is totally incidental, it's the fun of it all. Not being cruel but observant it's amazing how different people are in size size and size. The fashions are excrutiating...for example:-<br /><br />1...Here's the lady who was given a tube of exploding pink lipstick for Christmas. It worked too, the front of her hair is pink, nowhere else, just the lips, half the face and the hair. Either that or she walked into a tub of 'Agent Orange'<br /><br />2...This one is wearing something what a little 3 yr old girl would wear dressing up with her pals. The woman is about 40 yrs old and looks like she was caught in an explosion in a charity shop<br /><br />3...This one does a first rate impersonation of 'Jabba the Hut'<br /><br />And so it goes on.<br /><br />So I sit and imagine a WW member's cruise on the Titanic, in the Atlantic with an accumulated tonnage equal to half the ship's weight. The party and class for them is portside, they all move there like migrating wildebeest, the ship lists heavily, Captain panics, the ice from all their Cokes and Fantas leaves the glass with precision timing, knocks a hole in the boat, water comes in, ship sinks, people lose lives.<br />Except the WW class. They just bob up and down until rescue comes.<br />Sigh<br /><br />Bye mae looves<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I lost 6lb if you're interested<br /><br />Bye mae loovesRogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-13694692566841057912009-04-22T19:33:00.002+01:002009-04-22T19:44:37.873+01:00A dear old soulWalking through the armpit of Europe (Kirkintilloch) I came upon a wee old woman. She was about 5' - 2" grey hair, a walking stick, glasses, a shopping bag, dark blue raincoat..and a lovely smile. So, what do you do when a good looking woman is passing? Yes, you stop to chat:-<br /><br />"Hello my darling"<br />"Oh hello son" (Now when I'm called 'son' I melt)<br />"Out to spend all your money?"<br />"No, my grandaughter just had a baby and both of them are really ill"<br />"Oh dear. Are you away to visit them?"<br />"No, I'm going to pray to my Lord at the chapel in Union Street"<br />"Well bless your heart"<br />"I'll pray and then leave it in his hands. That's all we can do son"<br />"Yes, I believe that"<br />"Well bless your heart too"<br />Now I am nowhere near her calibre in spiritual things. I was humbled by her extreme faith and trust in the God she worships. If I'd have had time I'd have gone with her to her house of worship and prayed with her to the God and Father of us all. I hope her family will pull throughRogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-84543788684781229062009-04-22T06:38:00.004+01:002009-04-22T20:28:36.216+01:00Three strikes (well five) and you're outIt's 'late' in Linda's book. As I write this it is 06.40BST and having nothing better to do at this unearthly hour apart from wishing Dracula night night, I will explain the title.<br /><br />Strike 1...Alarm on Linda's phone goes, always at 05.00 hrs. I awake before her, as per usual. I don't mind but the phone is always placed in some form of bowl near to the bed. When the phone alarm goes off it sets in motion an Irish Jig causing said instrument to go nuts in the bowl.<br />So deep in golden slumbers where a bogeyman is under the bath, the cacophany of sound and Hurricane Katrina erupts. I am convinced that this is a mini version of the dawn of time, you know, the Big Bang.<br /><br />Strike 2...The Matriarch is up looking for 'a brown belt'..."Have you seen it?"<br />In our bedroom we have what is quaintly called 'sliding doors' They are past their useful existence, and make a screeching sound like a dessert spoon being dragged from tightly clenched molars. Well, I haven't seen it and suggest putting the light on. Light goes on and burns the early morning mist from the corneas.<br /><br />Strike 3...Having found the brown belt I hear Linda looking through a bag, a bag with zips on, lots of them. The sound of the zips going like fiddler's elbows reminds me of two things 1.. Searching a Goth for drugs. I mean, how many zips do they want on their outer attire? 2...Is she practising to become senile with the zippy thing?<br /><br />Strike 3...Captain Zippy now goes downstairs. Peace and quiet I thought. The house alarm goes off.<br /><br />Strike 4...Why does crockery make so much noise? When Linda sorts the dishes it sounds and looks like an old time performer juggling crockery on 'Sunday Night at the London Palladium'<br /><br />Strike 5...Now bemused by the whole daily start to life I lie there, quietly "Has she gone yet?"<br />No. Up the stairs she stampedes and into Rodgie's domain.."Could you move the car please?"<br /><br />So here I sit.<br /><br />Think I'll wake Rachael up.<br /><br />Oh Adjie....<br /><br />Bye mae loovesRogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-88343918107589054662009-04-21T17:28:00.005+01:002009-04-26T12:13:14.497+01:00Homo Sapiens v The nodding dogRebecca 'kindly' drove me to Claire's place.<br /><br />To be fair it was exceedingly kind of her to do that, but I can't remember defaulting on a 'trick or treat.'<br /><br />It was an interesting experience somewhat new to me inasmuch as I was the equivalent 'nodding dog,' you know the ones you see the parcel shelf of some canine lover?. So why are they there? Is it to distract you or what? And why a nodding dog? Why not a Rabbie with a nodding head at the Wailing Wall? And what is a parcel shelf? I bet some kids are upset at the 'parcel shelf' at christmastime, or the size of it anyway. You've all seen it in some of the upmarket cars, the Rolls Royce with a packet of Kleenex on the back shelf. And why are they there on the parcelshelf if you want to sneeze? That makes as much sense as having a roll of toilet paper in the garage when you're in the Khazie.<br /><br />I digress, so back to the Homo Sapien equivalent whilst Rebecca is auditioning for 'Crazy Drivers' I never knew it was possible for the human neckbone to stretch from 90 degrees down to 3 degees. Well it is. And the same applies when the car defies gravity when cornering at high speed, you know, left to right and back again. That's okay but several thousand movements and you start thinking your neck and head have turned into a human egg whisk.Rogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-86000263803225434852009-04-21T12:54:00.006+01:002009-04-26T09:47:19.359+01:00In company with a pop star........The Zahra clan descended upon me minus Lee (the Alpha male)<br /><br />I have a new name for the little Kayla..'Ziggy Stardust' For one reason and one reason only. It's because you can't see her eyebrows. She has them but 'slow to grow'<br /><br />I think David Bowie was a dab hand with the Gilette razors though, although I have heard that Bruce Lee was trying to show him some Kung Fu tricks with an open razor, you know the stuff, twirling around and making a noise like a freshly neutered cat (how come in all these films EVERYONE does it) I mean even the oldies and gummers do it and NEVER get tired! And another thing, how come when they get a well aimed boot in their chops they never bleed. Just a shake of their heads, miaow and on with the war.<br /><br />Of course Mr Bowie has stacks of musical talent which has lasted well over the years whereas Ziggy Mk 2 has only one gift so far which lasts for as long as 43 seconds.<br /><br />She has a musical butt which, when full of wind plays an amazing rendition (solo) of Trumpet Voluntary. Nice tone as well. and she has a barnet that nowadays Mr Scargill would drool over.<br /><br />Bye mae loovesRogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-82688590247845628162009-04-21T11:31:00.002+01:002009-04-21T11:35:15.639+01:00On a roll here...........Anyone out there (all two of my humble followers) understand why any household has more than it's fair share of cutlery? When there are really only three of us living here why do we have 34 knives, 41 forks and 32 spoons?<br /><br />I'm going to donate surplus to Uri Geller<br /><br />Bye mae loovesRogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2413417047164206732.post-68397727918685350492009-04-21T10:46:00.002+01:002009-04-21T11:13:44.614+01:00Ancient inscriptions in the airing cupboardHaving absolutely nothing better to do I decided to venture into the airing cupboard and have a gander at the 30 years clothing storage we have. I decided, for an extra thrill to the lacklustre morning, to pull all the sheets out and refold them; bit like linen origami.<br />So, everything pulled from the cupboard and scattered around Adjel's opium den. Actually, it looks better when there is an organised mess in her room...<em>'matter unorganised</em>' is an appropriate term. THAT'S IT!!!!!!! Adjel's room is a 'black hole'...remember from science lectures..........not even LIGHT escapes! The equation also is that gravity in a black hole is 9,000,000 times more stronger than earth. THIS is why when clothes, bus tickets,contact lens cases, Q tips, bits of toothpaste, hair grips and a host of <em>'matter here'</em> are removed from the floor, within seconds they are back, but in a different place on the floor.<br />But I digress. Taking time to examine parts of the airing cupboard I have not seen for a long time (Steptoe and Son would have been extremely proud to have had a look into it) imagine my surprise when I came across an ancient monument; closer examination revealed there were strange markings on it (found out it was the hot water tank) with that polystyrene sprayed onto it. It's about 3" thick.<br /><br />Inscription No 1....Linda..grounded 24 Oct 1997 - 27 Oct 1997<br /><br />Inscription No 2...Rachael 7 Sep 2001<br /><br />Inscription No 3...Brigham Young was here...All is well<br /><br />On top of all that there were markings of curious workmanship..stars, moons, E = MC squared, noughts and crosses.<br /><br />Linda is 28 now so I think she's past a 'whisper' in the ear.<br /><br />'Oh, Adjel!!!'<br /><br />Need to go and bring in the 'smalls'<br /><br />Bye for now my lurvesRogerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16151539673098611846noreply@blogger.com0