The Village Chief

Somewhere in the Comoros, north of Madagascar

The Village Chief, a bit of a dandy by nature, is known as a disciplinarian in his tribe, and has taken upon himself the title 'Eyeball Johnny' With this title comes great powers of insight into the menial lives of members of his tribe. For example, EJ calls the village idiots (whoops, elders) into a council meeting in the 'Long Room' to discuss the sin of' 'illicit smoke signalling' going on.

EJ..'Dat woemann Danny-ell is signalling heap bad medicine in der smoke signalling. Da signals use bad words. Not good for me being chief. Must stop, not only dat but der smoke gets into der lungs of me and cause much coffin' Come forth the der 'Inkwisiter'

Note:-'Inkwisiter' is one of EJ's right hand men and does his bidding without question.

IW..'Wot want boss?'

EJ...'Mountainous problem, you fix. Now! Speak to her through Der Pappy, him stupid and do bidding. No more smoke signals which upset me....der Chief!'

IW to Der Pappy '....you understand Der Pappy? You go fix and me report to EJ'

Der Pappy brings word to Robikamball..(der love of Danny-Ell) and explains the chief's rumbling tum in delicate manner. Heap bad hormones cause Danny-Ell to go apecack and pour water on all de dry grass she had been storing for der smoky signals. She speaks bad words and in dubble detentions causing der titterings in de camp of Robikamball. Heap big laughy faces. All is fixed but not with village archmummy called ' Gingyfriesrice' she blistering mad and goes der mental for one whole sundown. Signs not good when she brushes the dirt floor at one wolf howl past bat's twitter.

Der Eyeball Johnny is not happy. All is quiet with no smoky signalling on his watch. Feels there is something in his foot and mumbles to his left hand man 'The White Man' .......

'Not happy TWM...find out why no smokies and bring me word...I see der big clouds on der horizon........'

Thaings that go bump in the night

Now, I don't frighten easily, it's a Reddick (mum) trait. Been in hairy situations and didn't bat an eyelid, so why when the family decide to leave me in the house to sleep two nights on my own do I do the following........

1...Check all the downstairs windows...twice

2...Make sure all the doors are locked

3...Check again the above accroutements

4...Make sure all the plugs have been disconnected from the sockets (just in case)

5...Double lock the front door

6...Put on the house alarm

7...Check that I've put on the house alarm 2 mins later

8...Close all upstairs windows and doors

9...Leave a bedroom light on at the top of the stairs

10.Leave bathroom light on

11..Leave my bedroom door open

12..Leave bedroom lamp on

13..Put fan on to drown out any noise made by intruders

14..Leave house and mobile phones near the bed just in case

15..Pray that I might not die in the night

16..Creep into bed with sheet just below the eyes

17..........................Hear cat miaowing cos I haven't fed him

18..Look out window and see the stupid thing grinning at me

19..'Note to self'.....kill the cat in the morning

20..Back to bed to listen to 'Tales from the Crypt' on my iPod

21..'Note to self'....don't listen to 'Tales from the Crypt' when on own

22..Have a runny bottom

The LDS Blob

Alway's one to try and see the 'beauty' in people imagine my alarm at church last week.

To put you in the picture I have always imagined (against my wildest dreams) the 'perfect' LDS gal. This is a throwback to my teen years when the missionaries used to pull out their wallets with photo's of a string of female LDS groupies. All 'Americana' I hasten to add. You know the type, tan, teeth, long eyelashes etc etc. So I imagined all LDS female peeps would be like that.

Enter 'Jabba the Hut' aka 24601 at the back of church during Sacrament (I should say 'Egress') No shoes on, no tights or socks, hairy legs and a car tyre which had been cut into 2 six inch lengths which doubled up as sandals (but to be fair about the hairy legs,I think she must have broken a Gillette MK 3 on a very tricky upward motion. I think she should try 'T Cut' in future, think on that, bald legs and a beautiful shine to boot) This, I hasten to add is what's known as 'Sunday Best' Oh, I forgot to mention, she had in tow a child, aka 'Eponine'

bye mae looves



I think Brother Brigham would have had a word to say about this

A quiet game at the Tribe of Zahra

There is a game called 'BUZZ' which involves 4 players with a handset 'with a red button that you buzz if you think you know the answer to the question. It's formatted like a quiz show on telly and is competetive. A quiz master prances across the floor and some cartoon dame ponces around the answer board.
Lee, Becky and I were having a game and tried to get Captain Zippy to have a game. "I hate those games," she announced to all and sundry in manner which would have benefitted a drama involving Custer's Last Stand
Good. More fun for us then. Now to enjoy this game you must be able to hear the music which forms part of the question. Due to the fact the kiddies are in bed the sound is a little lower than normal, but with a well trained lug you should be ok.
So on comes the questions and we enjoy a couple of sparring rounds.This involves a keen ear and concentration at all times.

Quizmaster..How many members were in the Beatles? (silly question but it is only an example)
FOUR!!! shouted Foghorn Leghorn

This went on with other interruptions which eventually caused the game to be cancelled due to 'Pain stopped Play'

Leo...

0620..Looking forward to a really quiet day today..sun is shining and I can't wait to get out into the garden to finish off the lawns and tidy up the whole garden. Then finish off a John Grisham book.

0857...Read my stars today, an unusual thing for me but listen to this:-" You are an extremely popular person and have many friends. You seem to have an 'animal magnetism' with the ladies and should strike lucky today"

1313... Five grandaughters and three daughters have come up to see me.

1340.....note to self, kill Russel Grant

1351...Observe with despair that my entire 'Smart Price' collection of rice, custard, new potatoes and figs have been annexed for the 'common cause' ie Gardiner's Gullets

1353..."I, Roger Gardiner, being of a sound mind........."

Now you see it..............

Popped into Claire Dannel's joint on the way back from ASDA to have a piece of toast. I had done some shopping and put it into the boot of the car, locked and all accounted for, to the last piece.

Upon leaving said daughter's hoose imagine my utter amazement to find that certain items of merchandise were missing, gone, AWOL, flew away, appropriated. This could not be, said he. It was locked when I left it, and locked when I went out to it again.

I spoke to Claire regarding my alarm but she put all things to rights. She explained about the 'Robin Hood Fairy' who takes from the rich and gives to the poor, not everything from the rich but nearly everything. It dawned on me that she had to be right. Not wanting to upset the lah lahs of the fairy kingdom I went back to ASDA and replenished the boot.

Note to self..remember that there are more Robin Hood Fairies at Becky's house than Claires.

Then I just went home and had a Slim Fast bananeeee flavour. I heard there was a new product called 'Slim Faster ya Bass' and comes with a wee letter from brother Pol Pot 'encouraging' customers.

bye mae looves

ASDA's very own Miss Whiplash

I lived through the 'Swingin' Sixties' and still remember the fashions of the day. But one I remember most was the false eyelashes. Even the women wore them. There seems to be a growing trend now for more women to be buying and using them.

I was in ASDA last week and I spied, an ASDA employee, female abt 19, wearing a pair of the longest false eyelashes I have ever seen. And she smells like a walking can of 'Cherry Blossom' They are that heavy her back arches back the way causing her to walk 'dead gallous' like one of those fools from hell in the World Wrestling Federation. They walk down the ramp swinging their huge frames from side to side. And if you've ever watched it have you wondered why they always shout?

I digress, so here's 'Miss Whiplash' strutting her stuff in the deep freeze area. Moving closer I can see white blotches on the lashes. This is glue of course (obviously a new fashion)

Enter a young fellah who has a face that seems to have been slashed several times in a vertical manner. He engages the lovely Miss Whiplash in lighthearted banter and then she kisses him goodbye. That's sweet, obviously 'in a relationship'

Awwwwwwwwww

I notice his face is bleeding now from the early stages of 'The Death by a Thousand Cuts'

I mean, where do you put the 2" long eyelashes when you're kissing your man?

Bye mae looves