The Orange Walk (well, one of them)

Perambulating in an easterly direction on the north footpath of Shettleston Rd, Glasgow, what do I hear?  Yes, the start of the band season in the form of moving muppets with rubber legs trying to keep tune with the 'music'
Good stuff though I must admit, although I couldn't imagine it stirring the hearts of thousands to go to war for King and Country, even less to go the 'workplace' That's an Old English name for 'hell'
I love the individuals who pass themselves off as 'wimmin' with the weans following the circus at a leisurely stroll    I love the bellowing out at the 'musicians' which we call 'verbal intercourse' in other words 'talking'
'Haw youse, JIMMY!!  Youse wi'the big drum...gies a light for ma fag son'
'Naw hen, ah'm, too bizzy bangin' the skins ya wee bampot'
'Well throw your f-----g lighter then................NOW!!!!!!!!!
Senga eventually got her fag lit from a flying fist from 'Wee Alfie' the flute player.
I remember it used to be prams with the kids esconced therein that followed the band, nowadays it's more upmarket with Asda trolleys.  Life is so much easier for them, just dump the kids and then the trollies, or dump the kids and keep the trollies for next year's batch.

Bye Mae Looves

Marks and Spencer

Ambling along in aisle three with a punnet of raspberries I approach the checkout. The cashier enquires:-

'Bag for life sir?'

'Er, no, I'm already married, thanks for the offer though'

Bye Mae Looves

Talk Sport....as on radio

Driving east on the M8 motorway and disposed to listen to innate chat on the above named dork sponsored channel 'Talk Sport'  The following linguistic artistry is atypical of the highly paid 'presenters'

Keyes..Hi Andy..hahahahahahahahahaha

Andy....Hey..hahahahahaha

Keyes..well, talk about that football game what?? hahahahahahahahahaha

Andy..Aye....hahahahahahaha

Keyes..hahahahahahahaha

Andy..hahahahaha

Keyes..We have in the studio Harry Redknapp..hahahahahaha...welcome Harry..hahahahaha

Harry..hahahahaha

Andy..hahahahaha

Keyes..hahahahaha

Andy..hahahahaha

Harry..hahahahaha

Stobhill Hospital......Glasgow

Imagine, gentle reader, waiting to be taken in for a scan in the plush 'new bit' of Stobhill. One is 45 minutes early and a weak extended bladder provides for a spot of quick nifty foot work perambulating through the corridors of time. . This is not to say one has a liking for a hike through a '19th century hospital providing 21st century medicine' Nope. One just needs a loo.

I find one just by the Geriatric unit. The previous occupant is still engaged in exercising his haunches in the most interesting way, a bit like a stray dog when it wipes it's butt on one's lawn. Scooting all over the shop like a wounded swimmer using it's rear end as a rudder, and gaily paddling away with it's front paws.

Well, no more thoughts of me using a loo at S'hill. I'll take the dog with me next time and blame him

Bye mae looves...............

The radio commentator...........

Driving home from Muirhead to Lenzie I exposed my hammer and anvil to the World Cup football on the radio. Not a thing I do often but I'd thought I'd give it a shot. The commentator seemed to be an intelligent chap until he said this...

"One team is in white shorts and blue tops with red socks, and the others are wearing green shorts with yellow tops and yellow socks"

Radio in living colour...only in Scotland yer beauty.

True dat...

The Village Chief

Somewhere in the Comoros, north of Madagascar

The Village Chief, a bit of a dandy by nature, is known as a disciplinarian in his tribe, and has taken upon himself the title 'Eyeball Johnny' With this title comes great powers of insight into the menial lives of members of his tribe. For example, EJ calls the village idiots (whoops, elders) into a council meeting in the 'Long Room' to discuss the sin of' 'illicit smoke signalling' going on.

EJ..'Dat woemann Danny-ell is signalling heap bad medicine in der smoke signalling. Da signals use bad words. Not good for me being chief. Must stop, not only dat but der smoke gets into der lungs of me and cause much coffin' Come forth the der 'Inkwisiter'

Note:-'Inkwisiter' is one of EJ's right hand men and does his bidding without question.

IW..'Wot want boss?'

EJ...'Mountainous problem, you fix. Now! Speak to her through Der Pappy, him stupid and do bidding. No more smoke signals which upset me....der Chief!'

IW to Der Pappy '....you understand Der Pappy? You go fix and me report to EJ'

Der Pappy brings word to Robikamball..(der love of Danny-Ell) and explains the chief's rumbling tum in delicate manner. Heap bad hormones cause Danny-Ell to go apecack and pour water on all de dry grass she had been storing for der smoky signals. She speaks bad words and in dubble detentions causing der titterings in de camp of Robikamball. Heap big laughy faces. All is fixed but not with village archmummy called ' Gingyfriesrice' she blistering mad and goes der mental for one whole sundown. Signs not good when she brushes the dirt floor at one wolf howl past bat's twitter.

Der Eyeball Johnny is not happy. All is quiet with no smoky signalling on his watch. Feels there is something in his foot and mumbles to his left hand man 'The White Man' .......

'Not happy TWM...find out why no smokies and bring me word...I see der big clouds on der horizon........'

Thaings that go bump in the night

Now, I don't frighten easily, it's a Reddick (mum) trait. Been in hairy situations and didn't bat an eyelid, so why when the family decide to leave me in the house to sleep two nights on my own do I do the following........

1...Check all the downstairs windows...twice

2...Make sure all the doors are locked

3...Check again the above accroutements

4...Make sure all the plugs have been disconnected from the sockets (just in case)

5...Double lock the front door

6...Put on the house alarm

7...Check that I've put on the house alarm 2 mins later

8...Close all upstairs windows and doors

9...Leave a bedroom light on at the top of the stairs

10.Leave bathroom light on

11..Leave my bedroom door open

12..Leave bedroom lamp on

13..Put fan on to drown out any noise made by intruders

14..Leave house and mobile phones near the bed just in case

15..Pray that I might not die in the night

16..Creep into bed with sheet just below the eyes

17..........................Hear cat miaowing cos I haven't fed him

18..Look out window and see the stupid thing grinning at me

19..'Note to self'.....kill the cat in the morning

20..Back to bed to listen to 'Tales from the Crypt' on my iPod

21..'Note to self'....don't listen to 'Tales from the Crypt' when on own

22..Have a runny bottom