Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Further fun at 'The Bay'

Oh dear, it was so funny last night that I was rofling on the floor for about 2 minutes after the 'exercises' we had just before 2am.  I will explain below in case, dear reader, you wish to partake..

Mike the Marine comes in and says we are going to play a game with Jenny Tallia and some electrodes. Funny chap he is, we don't have any women here so goodness knows who Jenny Tallia is, maybe the camp's cook.

So we all line up and he calls me out on the pretence that I have 'secrets' to share and he wants to show the other lads how he gets it from me. A sort of 'whodunit' game in which he said there are no winners...I think he's a bit gay so I have to watch my back with this jerk.

Mike the Marine.....'Right fatty (that really hurt, I've been on a diet since I got here and he calls me 'fatty') 'What information are you going to give me about troop movements from Al Jazeerah?  Here's another guy I don't know, who is Al?

Me..........................Well, when I was about ten Mikey I played soldiers and moved my troops all over the place, super fun.  Did you play with soldiers as a kid?

Mike the Marine then calls me over (he didn't call me fatty this time cos he knows I'm mentally tougher than he is) also I flashed my CTR ring in his coupon.

Well, I never did!  He made me stand in a bucket of water naked and he attaches these wires to the utter extremities with Duck Tape, I attempt to flash my CTR ring at him again but it fails.  He bawls and shouts and asks questions which I refuse to answer (all part of the game you see) he gets all het up and shouts in my ear (I'm gonna throw that damn switch!!)  I calmly replied 'Throw it where you want dearie but remember it's my turn next)

I can't remember anything after that for 3 hours.  I was told that the electric shock would have killed a lesser mortal but I pulled through okay.

Time for more water.

Bye mae looves

Monday, 30 September 2013

Holidays in Guantomano Bay 2011 - 2013

Hello mae looves

Just back from my holidays in Cuba (GB to be precise to the holiday tourists there)

 It is the largest harbour on the south side of the island and it is surrounded by steep hills which create an enclave that is cut off from its immediate hinterland, this makes for very exciting games such as 'who can get out the quickest and in one piece'  The Americans love dressing up as soldiers and playing games on us.  Below I'll list a few:-

Blind Man's Buff...I loved this one, we all walk round naked with pretend handcuffs on and have to walk like a Flamingo, you know, like the birds with knees that bend a different way.  If any of the holidaymakers aren't able to do it the Yanks assist with readjusting the kneecap so that we all walk alike. Super way to get to know each other.  In case we get lost we have been given bright orange overalls so they can 'assist' with getting back to the chalet.

Waterboarding....Extremely amusing game that we all enjoy playing.  We lie down on a board and the yanks tuck us in a 'comfy jacket' then place a blanket over our head and face. This is to protect us in case some cad throws water over our face and pretends to drown us. But again mine hosts save the day and lift us up just in time for another gallon of water for tea. Oh, forget to mention that to finish off the day of fun and jollity we have water biscuits and coffee without milk, sugar or coffee.

More tomorrow cos we have a Musical Evening listening to a band called 'White Noise'

Bye Mae Looves

Monday, 14 May 2012

The Orange Walk (well, one of them)

Perambulating in an easterly direction on the north footpath of Shettleston Rd, Glasgow, what do I hear?  Yes, the start of the band season in the form of moving muppets with rubber legs trying to keep tune with the 'music'
Good stuff though I must admit, although I couldn't imagine it stirring the hearts of thousands to go to war for King and Country, even less to go the 'workplace' That's an Old English name for 'hell'
I love the individuals who pass themselves off as 'wimmin' with the weans following the circus at a leisurely stroll    I love the bellowing out at the 'musicians' which we call 'verbal intercourse' in other words 'talking'
'Haw youse, JIMMY!!  Youse wi'the big drum...gies a light for ma fag son'
'Naw hen, ah'm, too bizzy bangin' the skins ya wee bampot'
'Well throw your f-----g lighter then................NOW!!!!!!!!!
Senga eventually got her fag lit from a flying fist from 'Wee Alfie' the flute player.
I remember it used to be prams with the kids esconced therein that followed the band, nowadays it's more upmarket with Asda trolleys.  Life is so much easier for them, just dump the kids and then the trollies, or dump the kids and keep the trollies for next year's batch.

Bye Mae Looves

Marks and Spencer

Ambling along in aisle three with a punnet of raspberries I approach the checkout. The cashier enquires:-

'Bag for life sir?'

'Er, no, I'm already married, thanks for the offer though'

Bye Mae Looves

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Talk Sport....as on radio

Driving east on the M8 motorway and disposed to listen to innate chat on the above named dork sponsored channel 'Talk Sport'  The following linguistic artistry is atypical of the highly paid 'presenters'

Keyes..Hi Andy..hahahahahahahahahaha


Keyes..well, talk about that football game what?? hahahahahahahahahaha




Keyes..We have in the studio Harry Redknapp..hahahahahaha...welcome Harry..hahahahaha






Friday, 25 June 2010

Stobhill Hospital......Glasgow

Imagine, gentle reader, waiting to be taken in for a scan in the plush 'new bit' of Stobhill. One is 45 minutes early and a weak extended bladder provides for a spot of quick nifty foot work perambulating through the corridors of time. . This is not to say one has a liking for a hike through a '19th century hospital providing 21st century medicine' Nope. One just needs a loo.

I find one just by the Geriatric unit. The previous occupant is still engaged in exercising his haunches in the most interesting way, a bit like a stray dog when it wipes it's butt on one's lawn. Scooting all over the shop like a wounded swimmer using it's rear end as a rudder, and gaily paddling away with it's front paws.

Well, no more thoughts of me using a loo at S'hill. I'll take the dog with me next time and blame him

Bye mae looves...............

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

The radio commentator...........

Driving home from Muirhead to Lenzie I exposed my hammer and anvil to the World Cup football on the radio. Not a thing I do often but I'd thought I'd give it a shot. The commentator seemed to be an intelligent chap until he said this...

"One team is in white shorts and blue tops with red socks, and the others are wearing green shorts with yellow tops and yellow socks"

Radio in living colour...only in Scotland yer beauty.

True dat...