Stobhill Hospital......Glasgow

Imagine, gentle reader, waiting to be taken in for a scan in the plush 'new bit' of Stobhill. One is 45 minutes early and a weak extended bladder provides for a spot of quick nifty foot work perambulating through the corridors of time. . This is not to say one has a liking for a hike through a '19th century hospital providing 21st century medicine' Nope. One just needs a loo.

I find one just by the Geriatric unit. The previous occupant is still engaged in exercising his haunches in the most interesting way, a bit like a stray dog when it wipes it's butt on one's lawn. Scooting all over the shop like a wounded swimmer using it's rear end as a rudder, and gaily paddling away with it's front paws.

Well, no more thoughts of me using a loo at S'hill. I'll take the dog with me next time and blame him

Bye mae looves...............

The radio commentator...........

Driving home from Muirhead to Lenzie I exposed my hammer and anvil to the World Cup football on the radio. Not a thing I do often but I'd thought I'd give it a shot. The commentator seemed to be an intelligent chap until he said this...

"One team is in white shorts and blue tops with red socks, and the others are wearing green shorts with yellow tops and yellow socks"

Radio in living colour...only in Scotland yer beauty.

True dat...

The Village Chief

Somewhere in the Comoros, north of Madagascar

The Village Chief, a bit of a dandy by nature, is known as a disciplinarian in his tribe, and has taken upon himself the title 'Eyeball Johnny' With this title comes great powers of insight into the menial lives of members of his tribe. For example, EJ calls the village idiots (whoops, elders) into a council meeting in the 'Long Room' to discuss the sin of' 'illicit smoke signalling' going on.

EJ..'Dat woemann Danny-ell is signalling heap bad medicine in der smoke signalling. Da signals use bad words. Not good for me being chief. Must stop, not only dat but der smoke gets into der lungs of me and cause much coffin' Come forth the der 'Inkwisiter'

Note:-'Inkwisiter' is one of EJ's right hand men and does his bidding without question.

IW..'Wot want boss?'

EJ...'Mountainous problem, you fix. Now! Speak to her through Der Pappy, him stupid and do bidding. No more smoke signals which upset me....der Chief!'

IW to Der Pappy '....you understand Der Pappy? You go fix and me report to EJ'

Der Pappy brings word to Robikamball..(der love of Danny-Ell) and explains the chief's rumbling tum in delicate manner. Heap bad hormones cause Danny-Ell to go apecack and pour water on all de dry grass she had been storing for der smoky signals. She speaks bad words and in dubble detentions causing der titterings in de camp of Robikamball. Heap big laughy faces. All is fixed but not with village archmummy called ' Gingyfriesrice' she blistering mad and goes der mental for one whole sundown. Signs not good when she brushes the dirt floor at one wolf howl past bat's twitter.

Der Eyeball Johnny is not happy. All is quiet with no smoky signalling on his watch. Feels there is something in his foot and mumbles to his left hand man 'The White Man' .......

'Not happy TWM...find out why no smokies and bring me word...I see der big clouds on der horizon........'

Thaings that go bump in the night

Now, I don't frighten easily, it's a Reddick (mum) trait. Been in hairy situations and didn't bat an eyelid, so why when the family decide to leave me in the house to sleep two nights on my own do I do the following........

1...Check all the downstairs windows...twice

2...Make sure all the doors are locked

3...Check again the above accroutements

4...Make sure all the plugs have been disconnected from the sockets (just in case)

5...Double lock the front door

6...Put on the house alarm

7...Check that I've put on the house alarm 2 mins later

8...Close all upstairs windows and doors

9...Leave a bedroom light on at the top of the stairs

10.Leave bathroom light on

11..Leave my bedroom door open

12..Leave bedroom lamp on

13..Put fan on to drown out any noise made by intruders

14..Leave house and mobile phones near the bed just in case

15..Pray that I might not die in the night

16..Creep into bed with sheet just below the eyes

17..........................Hear cat miaowing cos I haven't fed him

18..Look out window and see the stupid thing grinning at me

19..'Note to self'.....kill the cat in the morning

20..Back to bed to listen to 'Tales from the Crypt' on my iPod

21..'Note to self'....don't listen to 'Tales from the Crypt' when on own

22..Have a runny bottom

The LDS Blob

Alway's one to try and see the 'beauty' in people imagine my alarm at church last week.

To put you in the picture I have always imagined (against my wildest dreams) the 'perfect' LDS gal. This is a throwback to my teen years when the missionaries used to pull out their wallets with photo's of a string of female LDS groupies. All 'Americana' I hasten to add. You know the type, tan, teeth, long eyelashes etc etc. So I imagined all LDS female peeps would be like that.

Enter 'Jabba the Hut' aka 24601 at the back of church during Sacrament (I should say 'Egress') No shoes on, no tights or socks, hairy legs and a car tyre which had been cut into 2 six inch lengths which doubled up as sandals (but to be fair about the hairy legs,I think she must have broken a Gillette MK 3 on a very tricky upward motion. I think she should try 'T Cut' in future, think on that, bald legs and a beautiful shine to boot) This, I hasten to add is what's known as 'Sunday Best' Oh, I forgot to mention, she had in tow a child, aka 'Eponine'

bye mae looves



I think Brother Brigham would have had a word to say about this

A quiet game at the Tribe of Zahra

There is a game called 'BUZZ' which involves 4 players with a handset 'with a red button that you buzz if you think you know the answer to the question. It's formatted like a quiz show on telly and is competetive. A quiz master prances across the floor and some cartoon dame ponces around the answer board.
Lee, Becky and I were having a game and tried to get Captain Zippy to have a game. "I hate those games," she announced to all and sundry in manner which would have benefitted a drama involving Custer's Last Stand
Good. More fun for us then. Now to enjoy this game you must be able to hear the music which forms part of the question. Due to the fact the kiddies are in bed the sound is a little lower than normal, but with a well trained lug you should be ok.
So on comes the questions and we enjoy a couple of sparring rounds.This involves a keen ear and concentration at all times.

Quizmaster..How many members were in the Beatles? (silly question but it is only an example)
FOUR!!! shouted Foghorn Leghorn

This went on with other interruptions which eventually caused the game to be cancelled due to 'Pain stopped Play'

Leo...

0620..Looking forward to a really quiet day today..sun is shining and I can't wait to get out into the garden to finish off the lawns and tidy up the whole garden. Then finish off a John Grisham book.

0857...Read my stars today, an unusual thing for me but listen to this:-" You are an extremely popular person and have many friends. You seem to have an 'animal magnetism' with the ladies and should strike lucky today"

1313... Five grandaughters and three daughters have come up to see me.

1340.....note to self, kill Russel Grant

1351...Observe with despair that my entire 'Smart Price' collection of rice, custard, new potatoes and figs have been annexed for the 'common cause' ie Gardiner's Gullets

1353..."I, Roger Gardiner, being of a sound mind........."